Sometimes I read Astrology Zone as if it is the blueprint to my life. I wait to hear what will come. I wait. It’s reflective of a sense of dissatisfaction, I’m waiting for something or someone else to grant me something I don’t yet have and take control because I am not willing or able to myself.
This month, Susan Miller said that ‘full moon lunar eclipses bring endings, closure, or culminations’ and we had one on 7 August. This time, I felt ready to bring closure to something that I think contributes to my waiting, to my dissatisfaction, to me looking everywhere around me for what can be given to me, not looking at what I can seek. I chose to say goodbye to resentment, and my hate of things that don’t deserve my hate. This lingering, underlying negativity that is ready to bring down whatever I feel should be brought down. Ironically I hate the way we Brits love to shit on everything and tear down what is getting too big for its boots yet here I am being a perfect Brit.
I waste my memory harbouring grudges. I make judgements too quickly. I let the green eyed monster take over, especially on social media. I fucking hate social media. I love it and hate it. I use it to fuel hate of people who have no bearing on my life. I let myself become envious of lifestyles when I know better. I know Hugh McLeod’s ‘Never compare your inside with someone else’s outside’. I choose not to share pictures of me or my special moments because they’re personal and privileges, not bragging rights. But still, I let myself get sucked into others’ depictions of fake perfection.
I don’t like the narcissism and vanity and egocentrism social media celebrates yet I allow myself to feel inferior to over-styled, over-made up, over-thought-out selfies (even though I watch those selfie takers posing for themselves and their phones, removed from the moment they think they’re catching).
But back to Susan. I could feel it this month, I was ready to let go. I’m ready because Runner Bean is magic and I can’t waste my energy on irrelevant unwarranted hate when I have this pale little gummy smiling dreamboat in my life. I can’t waste my life looking outside when the good stuff is happening right here. I’m watching him now, waking from a snooze, rubbing his eyes with his hands then playing with those hands and exploring them, curling his fingers, touching his fingers, looking at his fingers, throwing his arms around because he’s still learning how to control them. When he smiles at me nothing else matters, it’s just me and him. He almost sings in the mornings as he explores his voice and practises making the sounds he heard the previous day. I catch him staring at me, almost nose to cheek when I hold him over one shoulder. He’s new to this world and everything in it and to watch him take it all in is worth a million moments on Instagram.
But mostly, I want to cast aside this cloak of judgement that keeps me from engaging with life as rawly as I should. It’s a barrier between me and the world and I don’t want it anymore. I want Runner Bean to grow up making the most of every moment. I want him to be the kind of person that others say always sees the best in people. And this is something I want to teach him personally. I want to lead by example.